I’m getting this question a lot these days. I like to think it’s because I’m such an awesome mother and not because my ass is starting to look like an inflatable tube. I don’t mind the question from friends because my friends want me to be happy, except for the ones who are secretly plotting my death, and I know who you assholes are, so it’s not such a secret anymore.
Getting the question from acquaintances is weirder. In my brain, it translates to, “Are you and your husband having lots of unprotected sex in the hopes of producing another human with half your genetic makeup?”
The short answer: Maybe. The longer answer: We’ll see.
In the interests of helping inquisitive strangers navigate this tricky question with other strangers, I’ve assembled some advice:
Don’t do it. Seriously, no good can come from asking someone you don’t know well whether she plans to breed.
There are several possible answers.
1) She is already pregnant and doesn’t want to tell anyone yet. If this is the case, then she is forced to lie to you. Don’t be pissy about it later.
2) She is trying to get pregnant but doesn’t want to share this with the world. Maybe she just started trying, or maybe she’s been trying for years and would rather keep her private business private.
3) She doesn’t want to kick-start the inevitable psychological onion-peeling that usually ensues when she tells people she doesn’t want more kids, or kids at all.
4) She desperately wants a child and has endured a miscarriage, or several, in the attempt. In that case, good job yanking the scab off that wound, jerk.
5) She’s a lesbian, and this question is complicated for her and her partner to answer.
6) She doesn’t know, and she doesn’t need your help figuring it out.
7) She had planned to tell you, but she forgot because she was so high on paint thinner that it slipped her mind. This possibility is slim. Very slim.
I’m sure I missed a few.
Even if you DO know her well, she isn’t obligated to tell you. There is one exception: If you might be the baby’s parent, today or in the future, feel free to pry.
I know what some of you are thinking: “People are too damn sensitive these days, with all this politically correct nonsense. I was just being friendly.”
No, no you weren’t. You were being nosey. It has never been OK to ask a woman you barely know whether she plans to let a man ejaculate inside her. This has always been a dick move. (Ha ha! See what I did there?)
People are more open with their business now than they were before the Internet, and you’re taking advantage of that openness to ask questions that are none of your business.
My advice isn’t complicated: Unless you’re sure she won’t mind you asking, don’t ask. If you misjudged and she’s cagey about it, let it go. Just because you’re curious doesn’t mean she owes you an explanation.
Also: If you do ask and she blows you off, don’t act like she’s a frosty cunt for not opening her soul to some asshat she barely knows.