TMI in da house

By Monica March 6th, 2010, under Uncategorized

My gift to myself for my 32nd birthday was an IUD. Being reasonably sure there will be no surprise babies  is the gift that keeps on giving, because surprise babies are like ninjas. One day you’re just minding your own business, and the next you’re all, “Oh, hi there, surprise baby. Did the doorman let you in?”

I was fucking up my birth control enough during stressful times that it will be worth every bit of the $589 I paid a woman in latex gloves to punch me in the cervix.

They had to do it twice, since it didn’t take the first time, so I got punched in the cervix a total of four times.

If you are ever in a position to get an IUD and they tell you that it might hurt a little if you’ve never had a baby, bite those lying assholes on the face. Still, no regrets here. Other than not biting those lying assholes on the face, of course.

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The homecoming that sucked

By Monica February 24th, 2010, under Uncategorized

Dear Dirtbag Who Broke Into the House of an 88-Year-Old Man with Alzheimer’s:

I hope whatever parts dangle from your body whither and die. I have no idea what you were looking for in the mess you scattered across two rooms, but I sincerely hope it was gonorrhea and that you found it. As far as I know, my Dad does not have gonorrhea, but there’s a lot of stuff in that house, and he WAS in the Army, so you never know.

The fact that your scumbag hands even touched my mother’s wedding album makes me want to sterilize it before I open it again. My one comfort is that the bag you rifled through and left on the bed was full of cat shit not that long ago. I hope you bite your nails.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Dirty Hooker

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I apologize in advance

By Monica February 20th, 2010, under Uncategorized

Devon and I were chillin’ in the living room, Devon playing a video game and me not playing a video game, since I’ve given up World of Warcraft for Lent. (I’m a recovering Catholic, so there’s no reason I need to observe Lent except that I want to.) We flipped on the TV for Dad, who is spending the night with us, and Dad said…

Look, I’m sorry, I don’t even know how to phrase this without sounding like the biggest dick in the world. I’m sorry, really. Sorry that I think this is funny and need to blog it and sorry Dad said it.

But Dad said, “What’s up with all the negroes?  They’re all over the news.” This was in response to Gov. Paterson and Al Sharpton appearing in back-to-back segments.

My dad is 88 and has Alzheimer’s disease, but I’m pretty sure he would have said the same thing 20 years ago.

Like I said, I’m a dick because I’m still laughing. Sorry.

In other news, I finally had a movie-worthy cabbie experience going from Queens to Brooklyn. I spent last night at Dad’s, and we took a cab back to my apartment. Through the rear-view mirror, I watched the cab driver fall asleep. You heard me. I said FALL ASLEEP. He even did the deep-breathing thing people do when they are FUCKING SLEEPING.

Then his girlfriend called. To his credit, he asked her not to curse, since he had to put her on speakerphone to avoid getting nailed by the fuzz. (Yes, I just said “fuzz.” Deal with it.)

Apparently, his girlfriend was perturbed because he was sleep-working when he should have been home taking care of her sick ass. Literally. Through the speakerphone, I heard: “You motherfucker sonofabitch. I’ve got stuff coming out of everywhere, my mouth, my asshole….”

I love New York.

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Wake-up call from Chase Bank

By Monica February 13th, 2010, under Uncategorized

A conversation about Dad’s bank account that I had with a rep from Chase at 8:30 this morning, three seconds after being  jolted awake by the phone:

Chase guy: I would like to speak to yadda yadda about his account.
Me: Yadda has dementia and is deaf and doesn’t do well on the phone. Can I help you?
CG: I need to speak to someone authorized to speak on his behalf. May I speak to his wife?
Me: His wife is dead.
CG: I’m very sorry to hear that.
Me: You can speak to me. I’m his daughter and should be listed as a contact on his account. (We went through that process the last time I needed to speak to someone on Dad’s behalf. I gave him my name.)
CG: You are not listed as an authorized contact.
Me: I don’t know what else to say.
CG: May I try calling back this afternoon?
Me: Dad will still be deaf and have dementia this afternoon.
CG: Well, I can’t speak to you without authorization.
Me: OK, bye, then.

As hard as it is to believe, I’m not usually snarky with strangers. Dude was just doing his job. I guess my social filters need time to kick in when I first wake up.

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Crafts: Love and frogs, frogs and love

By Monica February 11th, 2010, under Cards, Crafts
Love
With love from me to you
Above are Valentine’s Day cards from the last couple of years. I’ll post this year’s V-Day card on Feb. 14th. Love is in the air and all that crap.

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Why is it never promiscuous sons?

By Monica February 10th, 2010, under Uncategorized

“It’s like living under a mountain with a dragon. Some years it’s your virgin daughter they take. Nothing personal.”
– Devon, after the City of New York towed his car

You know what I didn’t want to spend $800 on this month? The list is pretty damn long and includes spider anti-venom, but I most definitely didn’t want to pay $800 to reclaim our own car.

The car was towed because, according to the DMV, we owed $400+ in parking fines. Maybe we did, maybe we didn’t. Devon says he paid online, but he doesn’t have any proof, so the DMV has essentially told us to suck their tail pipe.

Even if we hadn’t paid, $400 for an unwanted tow and storage for half a day is bullshit. Somewhere, somebody said: “You know what we should do to people who don’t pay their fines? Make them pay an even BIGGER fine.” And then a whole bunch of other people laughed maniacally and twirled their mustaches and jabbered on about installing FREAKIN’ LASERS at the toll booths to keep traffic moving swiftly.

The part about the lasers is true.*

Anyway, Devon presses on with wanting to own a car in New York, and I press on with not wanting to pay $800 in fines, so life is back to normal.

* The part about the lasers isn’t remotely true. Sucker.

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iPad: Not the Apple of my i

By Monica February 4th, 2010, under Uncategorized

Dear Apple,

I remember a time not that long ago when I was in love with you. You were so young and pretty. And I could drop my first love, the iBook, from a billion feet in the air with no damage. In geek parlance, I admired your constitution score.

Times have changed. With the release of the iPad, it’s like I truly see you for the first time in all your soggy douchiness. You tout yourself as “magical.” No, you are not “magical” — you are an ordinary device in an increasingly crowded field, and a shortsighted one at that. You allow publishers like that other douche nozzle, Macmillan, to jack up the price of ebooks and milk your customers. You’re pissy at Google for having the nerve to compete with you in a free market. You make using iTunes with non-Apple tech like looking for a Cheerio in a cow patty. And lastly, how did your marketing monkeys not see the MAXiPad jokes coming from space?

I am so disappointed in you, Apple. I feel used — used like the 10-cent media whores Steve Jobs has to suck off to get the fawning press he does.

I am ashamed to admit that I still dig my iPod, but I suppose we can be fuck buddies until something better comes along.

Sincerely,
Dirty Hooker

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Crafts: Bath salts

By Monica February 3rd, 2010, under Bath, Crafts
Salts

I made these bath salts as Christmas gifts. Add a few drops of red dye to a cup full of salt, then strawberry scent until you’re satisfied. This reminds me of the Strawberry Shortcake dolls from my misspent youth. They redesigned them, and now they’re all lame. Leave my childhood toys alone, faceless minions of corporate America!

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Goddamn it, Fitz!

By Monica February 1st, 2010, under Uncategorized

Devon and I awoke to a nasty surprise this morning in the form of a large pee stain in the middle of the bed. I know I didn’t do it, and I’m pretty sure he didn’t do it. Fitz was curled up on the bed as far from the pee as possible. Needless to say, she’s going to be crated at night for the forseeable future. Devon pointed out that what separates adult humans from every other lifeform is responsibility for one’s urine. He noted this after spotting the cat pee in his chair. Again. It’s their special way of telling him to fuck off when the litter box is dirty. So Fitz was too lazy to get her ass out of bed and over to the pee pad, and the cats were just spiteful.

The Adult Urine Theory also applies to Dad, who got pissy – ha ha! – with me when we were at a friend’s house and I insisted that he change his diaper and let me blow dry his pants.

In other news: I started the process for carving mom’s name into the headstone. She used to joke that if she kicked it before Dad, she would be buried between her first husband and second husband – a man sandwich. Would it be inappropriate to carve “Bow chica bow wow” into the stone?

I am wholly inappropriate.

Random funny from Devon, as we were walking on the subway platform: “If people commute together long enough, do their Metrocards sync up like periods?”

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Want some more girl-nerd goodness?

By Monica January 29th, 2010, under Uncategorized

Episode 2 of Tyrannosaurus Regina has posted. Or be cool and subscribe through iTunes so you can get it automatically. This ep is about Facebook and what it has for real gamers. Bonus: Real-life uses for LARPing shoes.

If you like the show (or hate it and wish we’d stop), let us know in the comments section of the site. We probably won’t stop, but at least you’ll get it off your chest.

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