Citibank to eat my cash

So far, I've received two e-mails from Citibank assuring me that my accounts are FDIC insured. How comforting.

Clearly, I need to find a new bank, but with the rate they're failing, I'm not even sure where to go. During the Depression, my grandparents kept their savings in the Bank of Old Mattresses, and that seems like a better idea every day. Especially if pirates snatch my savings. A Somali pirate tried to steal my lunch money just this afternoon, and I had to beat him off with a sharpened pencil.

No, wait, I mean beat him up. Beating him off is definitely something different.