The TSA wants me to be a hairy Neanderthal

That’s the only reason I can think of why they felt the need to confiscate my Bath & Body Works Japanese Cherry Blossom moisturizer and shower gel. These pleasantly scented $8.50 threats to national security made it through LaGuardia, but the folks at Denver International Asshats are obviously on top of their game. Last time it was my lavender-scented shaving gel. Interestingly enough, Devon made it through with a 6-inch-long iron pipe in his backpack.

A fucking iron pipe.

Clearly, the threat of giving everyone a really good scrubdown is more serious than beating the crap out of passengers with a fucking iron pipe.

Did I mention it was made of iron? And that it was a pipe?

Now, before anyone gets all up in my grill about not reading the security regs the TSA so nicely changes every six hours or so, let me say that I don’t question their right to take my shit. When I buy a ticket, I agree to all kinds of nonsense, like boarding the flight fully clothed and leaving my spear gun at home. I question their intelligence in deciding that my moisturizer and shower gel, which were about half empty and, volume-wise, would probably have fit in 3-ounce bottles if I’d had bottles to transfer them into, were a greater threat than a fucking iron pipe. If only I’d thought to bring caps, I could have poured the stuff into the pipe and saved myself about 20 bucks.

I also lost an earring. That’s probably not the TSA’s fault, even though I really, really want it to be.