I lied. That puddle of pee is totally mine.
I gave my mother plenty of warning that I was coming to visit, but she and dad are a combined 1,000 years old, so they were still out grocery shopping in the time it took me to get from Woodside to Howard Beach by bus.
I tried to wait. For about three minutes. Then I decided to pee in the backyard.
I climbed over the fence and the large air conditioning unit so I could get some cover from the fence that separates my parents' backyard from McDonald's drive-thru, thinking that if only I had a penis I wouldn't need to be so athletic.
When Mom got back, I told her what happened and she laughed, because my Mom's awesome like that.
But now I'm faced with a philosophical dilemma. Is that puddle of pee still mine, or does it belong to Mom now? Or maybe God. And if God, what is God going to do with my pee?
Questions like these are why I decided not to be a nun after all.