I am a sensitive asshole

I was really stoked about the 48 roles of toilet paper in my closet that I bought off of Amazon. Their Subscribe and Save system lets me have ridiculous amounts of toilet paper delivered to my apartment every six months, no shipping costs. I even used a gift certificate, so I spent $17 on 48 rolls of toilet paper.

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about becoming an astronaut, but this was way cooler than the promise of space flight.

Until Devon seriously harshed on my wow. Seems it wasn't enough to get the 2-ply: He forgot to mention that he wanted quilted toilet paper, because he's a sensitive asshole, too. So our conversation went something like this:

Devon: Next time, can you get the quilted kind? It's way cooler than this lame-ass excuse for toilet paper you painstakingly researched and blew a gift certificate on.
Me: But it's recyclable. It's good for the environment.
Devon: I want the cushy kind or I will make heads roll.
Me: Think of your children! And your children's children!
Devon: Cushy! Cushy!
Me: Why do you hate children?

OK, so maybe that's an exaggeration. But he does want the quilted stuff, so now I have 48 rolls of toilet paper only I can use. Maybe I'll TP a neighbor's house this Halloween.