Dear Dirtbag Who Broke Into the House of an 88-Year-Old Man with Alzheimer’s: I hope whatever parts dangle from your body whither and die. I have no idea what you were looking for in the mess you scattered across two rooms, but I sincerely hope it was gonorrhea and that you found it. As far as I know, my Dad does not have gonorrhea, but there’s a lot of stuff in that house, and he WAS in the Army, so you never know.
The fact that your scumbag hands even touched my mother’s wedding album makes me want to sterilize it before I open it again. My one comfort is that the bag you rifled through and left on the bed was full of cat shit not that long ago. I hope you bite your nails.
That is all.
Sincerely, Dirty Hooker