'You get your bitch ass in the kitchen and make me some pie'

Eric Cartman is a wise man...boy...cartoon. Whatever. Below, the answer to all your cream-pie prayers, Butterscotch Cream Pie from "How to Bake" by Nick Malgieri.

But first, all pies begin with a good crust. I've adapted the recipes here somewhat because Malgieri offers a lot of info. The book is worth picking up. Some of the recipes are fairly involved,  but I haven't been disappointed yet.

Nut Crumb Crust

1/2 cup (2 to 3 ounces) nutmeats (almonds, hazelnuts, walnuts, pecans) 1 cup bleached all-purpose flour (I used unbleached because it was what I had, and it turned out fine) 1/3 cup sugar 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/8 teaspoon salt 6 tablespoons unsalted butter

One 9-inch Pyrex pie pan, buttered

Set a rack at the middle level of the oven and bake to 350 F. Place the nutmeats into the bowl of a food processor with a metal blade. Pule until they are finely ground but not paste. Add the remaining dry ingredients, and pulse a few times to combine.

Add the butter and pulse a few times until the mixture is evenly moist and looks crumbly. Remove the blade and turn the mixture out into a prepared pan.

Using your fingertips, distribute the mixture evenly over the bottom and sides of the pan, gently pressing it into place. Make sure the crumb coating is even because thin spots will burn during baking.

Use the back of a spoon to smooth the surface and make the rim of the crust straight and even.

Bake the crust for 20 minutes or until it is a deep, golden brown. (This part took 15 minutes for me.)

Cool on rack.

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Now, for the pie.

Butterscotch Cream Pie

1 recipe Nut Crumb Crust

Filling

2-1/2 cups milk 2/3 cup light brown sugar pinch of salt 1/3 cup light brown sugar 3 large eggs 4 tablespoons unsalted butter, softened 2 teaspoons vanilla extract

Topping

1 cup heavy cream 2 tablespoons sugar 1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Prepare and bake the crust. Let it cool. To make the filling, combine 2 cups of the milk, the sugar, and salt in a nonreactive saucepan; whisk once to mix and brig to a boil over low heat. Place the remaining 1/2 cup milk in a mixing bowl and whisk in the cornstarch, then the eggs. Return the milk and sugar mixture to a boil over low heat, then whisk about a third of it into the egg mixture. Return the remaining milk and sugar mixture to a boil and whisk in the egg mixture, whisking constantly until the filling thickens and comes to a boil. Allow to boil, whisking constantly, for about 30 seconds. Remove from the heat, and whisk in the butter and vanilla; pour into a nonreactive bowl. Press plastic wrap against the surface of the filling and chill until it is about 75 degrees.

Spread the cooled filling evenly in the cooled crust.

Whip the cream with the sugar and vanilla until it holds a firm peak. Spread the cream over the filling.

I had some chocolate bits begging to be used, so I sprinkled them over the top, but that's not necessary.