Settle down, Parenting

Not married for three weeks yet, and already I'm getting copies of Parenting magazine delivered to my apartment. Pushy fuckers. I must have bought something for a pregnant friend and ended up on a mailing list, since I'm 32 years old, and all my friends are pregnant, recently pregnant or about to be pregnant.

Look, Parenting magazine, in high school, I was voted "Most Likely to Forget My Baby in a Hot Car During Summer." I don't need you getting all up in my uterus/grill.