Don't take trite advice

I was reading an article by a woman telling people to live every day as if it were their last, and it occurred to me how awful life would be if people actually did that. You’d show up at your friend’s house every morning, tears in your eyes, telling her how much you love her, and how you’re sorry you vomited on her bed after that frat party in college, and she’d be all, “Yes, yes, I know, you make me late for work every day with this. It’s OK. Don’t you have a job?” And you’d have to tell her that you haven’t worked that dead-end job in months, because really, who wants to spend their last day on Earth moving stacks of paper from one part of their desk to another while listening to co-workers fart? No one, that’s who. So you quit your job and are homeless now because your landlord is NOT living every day as if it were his last, and God, how you need a shower. Also, you’re enormous, because when you had money, you were eating cheesecake sandwiches, which you’ll never eat again when you’re dead. Now you have to fight bums for their lunch, but at least that’s keeping you active.

So take my advice: Do not live every day as if it were your last. Your friends don’t want to hear your decades-old angsty bullshit, your ass can’t afford the calories, and bums need to eat, too.