You graduated. Now what?

Dear Graduates, You have reached the end of a journey, about to embark on a brand new one. Maybe you are graduating from college and are about to claw your way to the top of your daddy’s company. Maybe you were a philosophy major and are planning the only career for which you qualify: graduate school. Maybe you are wrapping up high school and are just glad to be done with that wretched hive of scum and villainy. In any case, pull up a chair and let Old Grandma Dirty Hooker give you some advice.

1. No matter what your mother told you, you can’t be anything you want to be when you grow up. Just like you have natural talents, there are things you naturally suck at, and it’s important to know the difference. If I’d decided to be an engineer when I was in college, there would be a lot more shit breaking and blowing up today, which is why I fix sentences for a living.

2. Be practical. It’s great to love what you do, but it’s even better when what you do comes with a paycheck. Being broke is fine when you’re 19 and rotating cots with 27 of your closest friends, but it gets old fast, much like you. If you’re going to take a risk on a high-poverty career (for example, theater, art, writing), be realistic about your own talent. Again, don’t ask your mom for her opinion on this (unless your mom is a bitch and willing to tell it like it is).

3. Don’t fall into whatever happens. It’s easy to explain why you had three jobs in two years when you’re 23. People expect you to be a flake, so try new things now. If you’re switching jobs twice a year at 40, people will assume you have a drug problem.

I’m sure there’s lots more to say, but this is a blog, not a dissertation, so I guess you’ll have to sort out the rest yourselves. Good luck with all that.