'Massage' this

I admit it:  I love Craigslist. I almost never buy anything from there, but I love the massage-therapy ads. And by "massage therapy," I mean ads for whores. I love them for being transparent and easy to mock in their poor writing. Ladies, maybe if you'd paid a little  more attention in school, you'd be NASA engineers instead of selling cooch online.

Take this one:

"Be happy, healthy, and wholesome, with a darling masseusse!!! "

I'm not sure one can be "wholesome and healthy" with this "masseusse!!!" But you can probably be pretty happy, briefly. As long as you don't mind a little exclamation point abuse. Won't anyone think of the exclamation points?

"Perfect hour glass figure, Sandy will perform a therapeutic/sensual bull body massage using Swedish, yoga stretch, sesnsual Thai, for a most relaxing, warm and wonderful full body massage."

Because studies have shown that an hourglass figure makes the massage so much better than one given by a woman built like a refrigerator box. Just watch out for the "bull body massage." It hurts. A lot.

"The father of holistic health Edgar Cayce recommended massage over 1200 times as both curative and preventative for disease, so be fortunate enough to have a healthy habit that actual feels marvelous."

Cayce also said that China would be converted to Christianity by 1968 and that 1933 would be a good year, so screw that guy.

"Free mini pedicure is included and shower is also available. A little pampering would be the best possible thing to feel #1. Regal Treatment."

If you want me to feel regal, you can give me the full pedicure. Seriously.

"Please call for appointment 7:am to 1:am. 4 Hand is also available and birthday week specials too."

Four-hand is available for what? And whose hands? Never mind, I think I know. Also, why is her hair covering her face? Was she horribly disfigured with sulfuric acid in her past life as a district attorney?

Don't mind me. I'm just bitter because Sandy made more money today than I did all week.  And her job is cooler than mine.