DIAF, Westboro Baptist Church

OK, so we’ve never been friends. It’s not like I’m uninviting you to my birthday party. But I can’t think of anyone who needs to die in a fire more than you. You are getting a hearing before the Supreme Court today to defend your right to protest soldiers’ funerals, and I think you should probably win that case, freedom of speech being what it is. I also think the next time grieving family members rush your protest to kick the crap out of you, the cops should take a 20-minute smoke break and come back with garbage bags to pick up what’s left of you.

BTW, very brave of you picketing from the safety of an American sidewalk, behind a wall of police protection -- police protection that is paid for in part by the tax contributions of Jews and gays and the rest of us “fag-loving” Americans. Go protest where it matters -- in Afghanistan or Iraq, in front of the soldiers you scorn so much, with no one to protect your soft, squishy, hateful asses. If your cause is so righteous, I’m sure God will protect you.

You won’t do that, though, because you are enormous pussies. And because God is busy watching “Brokeback Mountain” for, like, the 40th time.

I do have to wonder at the psychology of people who hate one group of people with such relentless ferocity. Makes me think maybe you’re trying to distract yourselves and us from what is probably your cult’s incestuous family circle jerk.

Also, Michael Moore, you are my hero. Not always. But in this case, I adore you. Consider this your “Get out of Dying in a Fire Free” card.

Edited to add: These people will not DIAF, either.