Devon and I were watching the 2009 "Star Trek" reboot movie yesterday (not for the first time), and I need to say it: God, that movie is fun. Of course, it's also a competition between Kirk and Spock for the Biggest Douchebag in the Universe Award. The original-recipe Kirk had that award on lockdown, but it's nice to see the Vulcans tossing up a strong contender.

Captain James T. Kirk

On Kirk's resume: 1.    Wrecking a classic car (not his own) at the age of 10 running from the po-po, nearly getting himself killed in the process. 2.    Having peen-size contests with everyone on the bridge. I don't know why anyone was even listening to this jerk, considering a few minutes ago he was a cadet on academic probation, let alone having lengthy arguments with him. How the Federation has not been bent over a keg by the Klingons is beyond me.

Commander Spock

Then there's Spock: 1.    Taunting Kirk with his father's death during an academic-probation meeting. Cold, dude.

2.    And the big one: Responding to Kirk's insubordination not by confining him to the brig, like a fucking normal person, but by marooning his ass on an ice planet populated with rabid dinosaurs. To be fair, Spock had had a pretty terrible day up to that point. Genocide is one thing, but watching Winona Ryder die would be traumatic for anyone. "Beetle Juice" was da bomb, kids. On the other hand, don't fuck with Spock. Ever.

And yet these guys are considered among the best officers in the fleet. So maybe the award really needs to go to Starfleet itself.


Consider this: 1.    To address academic issues, they make cadets and instructors plead their case in front of the whole goddamn academy like it was some kind of war-crimes tribunal. 2.    They employ a guy like Christopher Pike, who left the Enterprise in the hands of a loose-cannon cadet and a Vulcan riding the edge of a psychotic break. 3.    They promoted Kirk to captain after a single mission, without even making him finish his training. I don't care how much of a badass he is: That's just retarded.

So congratulations, Starfleet: You are the biggest douchebag in the universe.