Dear Pinchy the Cactus:
You are my last best hope at a "garden." I am sorry you are stuck in my care, but life's like that sometimes. I have killed every other plant I have attempted to grow in this apartment, which does not bode well for you, but I believe in you.
You are strong. You are brave. You were $4 at the hardware store.
Love, The Plant Murderer Who is Probably Going to Overwater You