Because then I wouldn't gain 3 pounds just looking at a cookie, which is apparently what happened during our recent trip to Colorado. I'm sure shoving that cookie and his two best friends into my gaping cookie hole and washing them down with beer and Bailey's (not at the same time) had something to do with it, too, but let's not discuss that. If I had a penis, I could be like Devon, who paid very little attention to what he ate and drank for two and a half weeks and didn't gain a pound.
But then I think about all the reasons having a penis sucks. Like, if I were one of those guys on the subway, I'd have to sit with one knee in Seattle and the other knee in Istanbul just to be comfortable. (Note to those guys: If you're average weight and taking up twice the space of the morbidly obese woman next to you, you need to close your legs. No one is that big: no one.)
And then there's the fact that if I had a penis, Devon would probably be irritated with me.
I guess this is the best of all possible worlds.
P.S. To all the web surfers who Googled "penis" and "dirty hooker," my apologies for wasting your time.