Do you hate your baby? Buy this hat!

This is the latest thing for babies who find staying vertical just a little too scary. Or their parents, I should say, because if your baby can't walk upright yet, she probably doesn't have the motor control to order this off the Internet. Apparently, you need to make sure your baby never tries to walk except at carefully arranged times, or he might discover that gravity's a bitch.

Baby "bump" hats

Check out the description from Babyhaven.com:

"Research has shown that Thudguard is most beneficial when an infant is still less than sure footed and used a few times per day, in short intervals in a controlled and vigilant environment. These training milestones will help to safely aid in the development of your toddlers gross motor skills by protecting our precious loved ones little brains from everyday thuds and bumps.

After confidence has steadily been improved in small amounts when indoors, this unique head cushion can then be reduced to using outdoors and may help by offering extra head protection at play parks or any other, "less than child friendly surroundings".

  • Comfortable stretchy circumference band allows for growth and holes for ventilation.
  • ½ inch thick impact tested protective foam to absorb the severity of bumps and thuds
  • Ultra lightweight materials avoid pressure on developing neck muscles.
  • Thudguard is medically endorsed and supported by experts
  • Promotes early helmet wearing habits"

The punctuation errors are not mine. Take it up with them.

And I'm not sure what the ears are about, except to make this helmet even more god-fucking-awful. Just one question: What happens when your kid gets his head stuck in the railing of your stairs and strangles himself on the neck band?

Not that I'm an alarmist or anything.