Why my friends shouldn't leave me alone with their children

Devon and I were in a cab with some friends on the way home from a wedding when the conversation turned to kids' shows. Our friend mentioned she took her daughter to see something called "Freckleface Strawberry," which is apparently about a girl whose raging insecurity leads her to believe her classmates hate her. After groveling for their acceptance in a vortex of codependent need, she snaps and kills them all with a chainsaw before settling down for some quality time with her XBOX and that kid from "Freckle Juice," who thinks she's pretty effing hot.

At least, that's how it would end if I wrote children's books. Which is why I've been chased out of all the best playgrounds.