When I was a kid, we didn't have wi-fi. We plugged our shit into the wall and we liked it fine that way

I'm ambivalent about the fact that geekiness has gone mainstream. On one hand, people who like to pretend they're vampires and gnomes don't have to pay for sex anymore. Now we have hot chicks rolling a d6 and guys bragging about the Gandalf quarterstaff replica they scored at Ren Faire.

On the other hand, I want children to suffer as I suffered. Because I'm an asshole.

I was born in the wrong decade. When I was a kid, the rules for popularity were clear: You had to stuff your bra and wear tight clothes.** I chose to ignore these rules, but God, the text-adventure games I wrote were awesome.

I didn't even realize I needed a bra until I was 12 and a friend suggested I think long and hard about it. Probably because my brand new boobs, which showed up out of nowhere while I was eating Cheerios one morning, were distracting in those paper-thin white t-shirts they made us wear for gym. These shirts were like boob alarms for preteen girls.

You'd think that would have gotten me past the “wear tight clothes” rule, but in high school, I was convinced that wearing clothes three sizes too big made me look thinner. I also believed this haircut was a good idea at the time.

Monica and Valerie

I don't even know what constitutes a social misfit anymore. How weird do you have to be before the jocks stuff you into a locker? And what makes a kid weird? When geeks go mainstream, does it come down to a turf war between vampire LARPers and Civil War re-enactors?

** Stuffing your bra and wearing tight clothes is still a pretty solid path to popularity, from what I've heard.