'Tis the season for bitching about abundance

If you're the kind of person who complains about shoving too much pumpkin pie into your pie hole, I respectfully beg you to knock it the fuck off. If there was ever a first-world problem, it's this one. The Huffington Post ran the article "Thanksgiving Food Fears: How to Cope with Holiday Eating Stress," which is just one of the many articles dedicated to the legions of people quaking in their jeans over the sight of cranberry sauce.

It's too late for this Thanksgiving, but I hope my tips for avoiding eating anxiety can help you not stress over meaningless bullshit during the next holiday you celebrate.

Just say no. Seriously, they won't strap you down and force-feed you more stuffing. If you have the kind of family who does this, my condolences over your traumatic childhood. It's completely reasonable for you to spend Thanksgiving alone with a bottle of bourbon and some video games.

Eat all you want and don't worry about it. Even if you stuff your face like a whore at a blow job convention, a few days of overeating won't matter much. If you have a weight or binge-eating problem, by all means, do what you need to do to feel better, but double-fisting the cheesecake once a year isn't the reason your pants are tight. You're probably overeating the rest of the year, too, so it's silly to fret over one day. Also, you would have to eat an entire village of starving Ethiopians to gain an appreciable amount of weight over a few days. Don't eat any Ethiopians and you'll be fine.

Starvin Marvin

That's all I've got. If you don't want to eat, don't. If you do want to eat, dive in. Thanksgiving is fucking delicious, and I regret nothing.


This shit's cool. Trust me:

Unicorn chopsticks Scarf good enough to eat