I own these pants now thanks to the Finders Keepers Losers Weepers Law. That law was passed right after the Patriot Act, which is why no one noticed. Really, people, you need to pay more attention to politics if you don't want to lose your enormous pants.
I don't know how we got them. They just showed up on our dresser one day. It's like the crappiest Christmas miracle ever. This is what I get for making Tacky Plastic Jesus date my Barbies when I was 9.
I'm trying to be positive, but I'm not exactly a ray of fucking sunshine, so it's hard. Like, there are starving kids in Africa who don't even have pants and would love these. If they had pants, McDonald's would let them in, and then they could buy Happy Meals and they wouldn't be starving anymore. These pants could save their lives.
If these were your pants, I'm sorry. They probably got mixed up with my clothes at the Laundromat. I would give them back, but I'm sending them to Africa. It's the right thing to do.
This shit's cool. Trust me:
I don't even understand this headline, let alone the underlying science The 7 Dumbest Video Game Inventions That Actually Exist I link to this because it would have been useful when Devon's computer sounded like it was taking off from a tiny runway under his desk