Abstaining from alcohol is bullshit

I've got a bone to pick with all my friends who don't drink booze. Every year, Devon and I like to give the gift of liver disease. Last year we made homemade limoncello. This year it was hot-buttered rum mix with a bottle of rum.

You teetotalers have to make things difficult, though. You and your refusal to be felled by cirrhosis like the rest of us means I have to be creative and do stuff like bake cookies. It's not that I don't like baking cookies. Actually, I fucking love baking cookies, mostly because I fucking love eating cookies even more.

And this is where I run into problems. I've already had more hot-buttered rum this holiday season than you can shake a drunk at. If I make cookies for you non-drinkers, I'm also going to be double-fisting cookie dough until Devon has to roll me down the stairs when I want fresh air.

Please drink so Devon doesn't throw his back out getting my fat ass down the stairs.