This whole 'personhood' thing deserves a good hard thinking about

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "Dirty Hooker is going to come down hard against these 'personhood' assholes." But you're wrong. I've given this a lot of thought, and I've come to the conclusion that there would be all kinds of awesome changes to society if we embraced the idea that a zygote is a person. For example: 1) A pregnant woman will be able to file assault charges against anyone who smokes cigarettes in her presence; gives her an X-ray; stresses her out; serves her food that isn't organic; or gives her herpes. Since most women don't know they're pregnant for at least a few weeks, this would effectively make it illegal to do any of these things to any female old enough to menstruate. And since post-menopausal women can get pregnant with the help of science, let's add them, too. Go ahead. Blow smoke in my face. I dare you, muthafucka.

2) It would be illegal to cause pollution and use pesticides on foods, since there's a chance these things can cause miscarriage (or, as the personhood advocates call it, "murder.")

3) Since some doctors say tap water can harm a developing fetus, municipalities would have to provide all women with bottled water, or make all drinking water so clean that they wouldn't have to.

4) All pregnant women would be eligible for top-notch health care. If she miscarries because she can't afford good prenatal care, then the state would be responsible for that child's death. Of course, they could just make it illegal to have a baby if you don't have good medical insurance, so we need to be careful there.

5) Since most miscarriages are the result of genetic abnormalities or other problems that have nothing to do with maternal behavior, we could finally bring God (aka, Biggest Baby Killer Ever) to task for the rivers running red.

Some of you are thinking this whole thing is nuts. It does have its problems. Like, my miscarriage, which happened at 6 weeks, might have required an autopsy and a funeral. I guess I would have had to find a matchbook coffin and treat it like human remains, instead of flushing it down the toilet like I did. And maybe I'd be in prison for neglect if doctors discovered I ate a piece of sushi before I knew I was pregnant. So this isn't a slam dunk.

But really, making human procreation as emotionally wrenching as possible is its own reward.