I utterly failed to notice the Oscars

I used to love awards shows, but sometime in the last decade I checked out of popular culture. The result is that I only vaguely know what people are talking about anymore. I knew the Oscars happened only because I was sifting through my Twitter feed and spotted someone talking about Meryl Streep. She beat out some chick named Viola Davis for the best actress award, and some people are cranky about this. Apparently, at the ripe old age of 62, Streep should crawl into her old-lady cave and die. That's the best I could come up with after wading through pages of comments on this stuff. And I discovered that Angelina Jolie's leg has more Twitter followers than I do, which is probably to be expected.

Angelina Jolie's leg

Jennifer Brett of Access Atlanta's The Buzz asks, "Did the Cirque du Soleil performance seem a little out of place to you?"

Yes. Of course it did. I didn't even see it and I can confirm it did. I don't remember the last time I heard someone say, "You know, this would be a great time for a Cirque du Soleil performance."

My friend Saul has mentioned some singer named Rihanna and her problems with Chris Brown. When I hear things like this, I nod like I'm in the know, then I quickly scan Wikipedia so I don't have to admit I haven't paid attention to pop shit in over a decade.

I suspect you're officially old when all these people sound the same, and every awards show looks like every other awards show you've ever seen, and the idea of watching one more makes you want to stab yourself in the eye with an empty beer bottle (because doing it with a full beer bottle would be a waste of good beer).