I want a size queen. Or a queen-size. Whatever.

Last night, Devon and I were talking about the kind of house we want and the decor, and I said I’d like to downgrade to a queen-size bed because it would give us more room. He defended having a king-size bed because he likes being able to stay the fuck away from me.

I’m paraphrasing, but not by much.


Dick-faced weasel: "Don't drag me into this"

It was during this conversation that I learned that he had a queen-size waterbed in high school. It’s important to note that without knowing that we were both laughing through most of the following conversation, we sound like the world’s biggest dick-faced weasels. And we probably are. But at least we have each other.

Devon: I had a queen-size bed when I was a teenager. It was a waterbed.
Me: You did not.
Devon: I did. What’s wrong with that?
Me: No kid has a queen-size waterbed. I don’t believe you.
Devon: I did. And three closets. It was great.
Me: I don’t know how you didn’t realize you were upper middle class.
Devon: My bedroom was only 200 square feet. And the closets were small. I wasn’t like those rich kids.
Me: Fuck off. Did you put in an in-ground pool next to the bed?
Devon: Before that, I had a two-room bedroom in the basement, with my own bathroom. But the bathroom was in the laundry room.
Me: Poor baby. How did you survive having to haul yourself into the laundry room to pee?
Devon: My mom moved down to the main level when she got too sick to climb the stairs. I moved upstairs a few years after she died. I had a lot of advantages as a kid. Except for the dead-mom thing.
Me: Ooooh! Whipping out the dead mom! Feel the burn! But at least you had a waterbed. I’m sure that made up for it.
Devon: It would have been awesome if I’d been able to get laid.
Me: I’d think having a queen-size waterbed would have helped with that.
Devon: It’s not the meat, baby, it’s the motion. In a waterbed, it’s allllll motion.
Me: I can’t imagine how you didn’t get laid.

10 Responses to 'I want a size queen. Or a queen-size. Whatever.'

  1. ellen says:

    Freakin’ awesome. I could add a lot to this conversation because I knew him in high school. I’ll refrain though. I also had a queen sized waterbed stuffed into my bedroom in the shitty little apartment my dad and I had. Even the poor kids had them. :)

  2. Monica Jones says:

    Wow. Colorado really is made of magic.

  3. This made me chuckle in an embarrassingly visible way in front of my coworkers. Damn you dirty hooker. Damn you straight to hell.

    Which, you know, means I’ll just see you there later.
    F. Morgan Whitney recently posted..Jesus Built my Minecraft MapMy Profile

  4. Monica Jones says:

    All my favorite people are going to hell.

  5. ellen says:

    Sweet! We’ll be together forever. Hop on, I’ll drive the bus.

    Colorado is made of magic. It’s to counterbalance the vortex that is NJ.

  6. Monica Jones says:

    Is Colorado so dry that you have to store that shit in your mattresses?

  7. Devon says:

    Pretty much. There’s a reason people push you to drink lots of water every time we are in town. Waterbeds are practical not only for sleeping, but also as a storage mechanisim for water when the revolution comes.

    Too bad we put poisonous conditioners in it so that algae won’t grow in them.

  8. Devon says:

    You know what, thinking about it, when we grew up, Big Sur waterbeds basically advertised on all the cartoons. It’s no wonder everyone in denver had them as teenagers.

  9. Carlos says:

    I have a waterbed, Devon. Come here, snack meat.

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