I might have stepped over the line

Devon and I are trying to get in shape and lose weight along with most of America, and we’re giving the Fitbit a shot. It appeals to the data geek in Devon because it tracks all his activity for the day and helps him log food and tells him how many calories he needs to eat. It does the same thing for me, except that it also reminds me that the only activity I’ve done all day is walk to and from the coffee pot.

The Fitbit tells me that if I do nothing all day, I can eat 1066 calories. 1066 calories isn’t a lot. I can drink 1066 calories in beer in one night. So I need to move.

I want to lose 10 pounds. Ten pounds isn’t a ton of weight, which is part of the problem. It makes me lazy. I think, “I only need to lose 10 pounds. I can totally eat peanut butter for lunch. Peanut butter with a side of cheddar cheese and a lard glaze. I’ll make it up tomorrow.” And then tomorrow comes and maybe I eat a couple of eggs for breakfast and some soup for dinner, but it doesn’t make up for the peanut-butter-cheese-lard souffle from the day before. And the cycle continues.

I’m going to start blaming my squishiness on baby weight. I was pregnant for 6 weeks, but I should get something out of that. At the very least, I can make people really uncomfortable. Conversations would go something like this:

Me: I really need to lose this baby weight.
Them: You have a baby?
Me: No. It died at six weeks.
Them: OMG. Your 6-week-old died?
Me: No. My embryo. I was six weeks. Pregnancy math is weird, so I was pregnant for more like two weeks, because the calendars count shagging time.
Them: You couldn’t possibly have gained baby weight in two weeks.
Me: Are you telling me I’m a liar about my dead-baby weight?
Them: Err…I don’t know what to say. I think I should go.
Me: Yes. I think we’re done here.

I’m pretty sure I’m a sociopath. But fun at parties!

9 Responses to 'I might have stepped over the line'

  1. Clyde Ford says:

    Strength training is the best method to lose weight. Do pushups, pullups, weight lifting, etc. Soon you’ll lose the 10 pounds and look like a superhero
    Clyde Ford recently posted..‘Women working for you’ – Nazi postcards from 1943My Profile

  2. Monica Jones says:

    I’ve added some strength-training. And some cardio. By the time I’m done, I’m going to stop bullets with my biceps. Mostly by bleeding all over them. The bullets, I mean. Not the biceps. That would be pointless.

  3. I started weight watchers with my mom about 6 weeks ago. I have lost about 14 pounds so far and it’s been a nice program. One thing I was amazed at is how much better my gauge has become for calculating the exercise vs. food tradeoff. Run my ass off for 30 minutes, three times a week? That == 4.5 12oz cans of Coke :)
    F. Morgan Whitney recently posted..Jesus Built my Minecraft MapMy Profile

  4. Monica Jones says:

    Makes you think about how much you want that Coke, I bet.

  5. Tanya Doyle says:

    This post is so wrong and so right in so many ways. Keep up those sociopathic tendencies. But only the ones that result in funny posts.

    btw, what happened to your header image? Now no one will believe my post about accidentally pulling up porn while searching for your blog.
    Tanya Doyle recently posted..My Sordid Browser HistoryMy Profile

  6. Monica Jones says:

    Thanks, Tanya. I changed the header because I haven’t written about crochet in ages. Sorry if I made you look like a porn addict.

  7. Carlos says:

    You’re not a sociopath. You’re just a dick.

  8. Michelle says:

    Just found your blog looking for a logo for Starfleet Academy; thanks for that. Even though I don’t usually read blogs, I will now be keeping up with yours. You’re hilarious. Sorry about your loss, but man, you need to be on the comedy circuit. Good luck losing weight. Try some ephedra or maybe acai superfood. (That’s a joke.)

  9. Monica Jones says:

    Hi, Michelle. Thanks for sticking around. We’re mostly harmless around here, when we’re not stabby.

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