I'm doing this asshole thing all wrong

You know you have a good marriage when you think to yourself, "Ya know, my wife just doesn't nag and belittle me enough." That's pretty much what Devon told me as we were coming home from our friends' house on Easter. You see, his way of motivating himself to do better is to criticize himself relentlessly, and he wants me to be more critical, too.

So I've been criticizing everything he does.

-- The way he chews his food is stupid. -- Only a moron would put his left foot into his pants first. Everyone knows you start with the right. -- Every idea he has ever had makes me want to immolate myself to end the shame of being his wife.

That sort of thing.

He tells me I'm not doing it right, which might be his way of helping me get better at being an overly critical hag, but I'm not sure.

At any rate, Devon, if you're reading this, never forget that I think you're a complete retard.