Have a good day! Don't jerk off into your coffee cup!

That was the advice I gave Devon as he headed off to the DMV, finally, to register his car in New York. Only 2 and a half years late. Good job, dude. He expected this to be a four-tripper, with increasing numbers of things he was required to have to prove. Like:

1) the car is his 2) he lives in New York 3) he isn't using it to transport underage illegal girls across state lines for his burgeoning shyster-flick business.

That sort of thing.

New York City goes out of its way to make everything a pain in the ass. Also, the terrified migrants in the back of his car make a huge mess, so I'd like it if he moved them as soon as possible.

Yep. I think I went too far again.

I was pretty sure the DMV would ask him for blood and semen samples, which is why I advised him not to jerk off into his coffee cup. There's no need to waste a perfectly good cup of coffee. Especially since we buy fair-trade organic coffee, and that shit's expensive.

It's shaping up to be a two-tripper. He needs to go back with proof from Toyota that he owns the car. Once that happens, I can practice driving for when we move to Colorado. I've had a license since I was 19, but thanks to the subway system and the expense of having a car in NYC, I haven't driven since I had to steal my Dad's car a few years ago.

You heard me.

Dad had Alzheimer's and wanted with all his forgetful, easily confused heart to drive, and he had multiple psychotic episodes a day over it. The one time he managed to sneak away, he never got out of the spot because he rammed the car in front of him. So I stole the car and parked it three blocks away and told him it was in the shop. That trick worked for weeks.

I'm only a marginally better driver than Dad was, so if you live in the NYC area, you've been warned.