Laugh or I'll cut you.

My friend Donna and I were going back and forth about which superheroes in The Avengers were the hottest, because we’re 14 years old. We decided that, while we wouldn’t kick any of them out of bed for eating crackers, some are definitely more doable than others, and for different reasons. This was our breakdown, for those of you who might ever be in the position of inviting superheroes to have sex with you. We don’t want you to miss an opportunity because of indecision.

Tony Stark: He’s a fun romp, and then he’ll send you home in a helicopter the next morning. A helicopter with MOTHERFUCKIN’ LASERS! If he lets you stay the night. He’s all sorts of fun until you get tired of his smartass one liners and smash him in the face with an iron. He’s a fuck friend, not a boyfriend. But what a fuck friend.

Steve Rogers: He’s the boyfriend. He won’t sleep with you for half a dozen dates or so, and then only after he’s had a chance to make a good impression on your Dad. He’ll buy you flowers and open doors for you. He’ll be a bit of a prude until he lets down his hair, and then he’ll be outrageously enthusiastic. He’s a closet whore. He won’t understand what to do with the ball gag, but he won’t object, either.

Bruce Banner: Total monster. This quiet, nerdy guy will be a surprise animal in the bedroom and then be awkward and shy about it later. Just don’t invite him to your place. You don’t want to have to replace all your shit every time he gets gets pissed about something he read in Popular Science. Also, if for some reason he starts to get angry while you’re going at it, leave. In a word: Ow.

Thor: It says something about me that I totally forgot about Thor until Donna mentioned him. He’s the frat boy who thinks having an enormous penis is enough to make all the chicks dig him. He’s feeling a little inadequate since meeting the Hulk. One plus is that he has amazing stamina, but actually being a god makes him overconfident. Like Donna said, he’s OK for a tumble, but at the end, you’ll be like: “You’re pretty awesome, Thor, but you know your friend, the one with the “issues”? Do you think he’d call me?”

Nick Fury: You’re not woman (or man) enough for Nick Fury. It’s sad, but that’s just the way it is.

Hawkeye: He’s the guy we want to take home and nurse back to health. Let’s just say, we’d like to Florence his Nightingale.

Black Widow: Donna says she would let Black Widow have her way with her, but I think she’s too much of a mind fuck. Your mileage may vary.

Loki: Donna’s assessment: “Loki is No-ki.” I agree. Loki isn’t a superhero, but I include him here because I can. Loki is the guy who keeps a box of tissues and a gallon-size tub of hand cream by his bed and tells you he has dry elbows. He’s also the guy who keeps “accidentally” trying to give it to you up the ass because he “misses” the hole. Three times in a row. He’s probably great at oral sex, though. Also, he needs to get over being adopted. From personal experience, it’s no big deal.