I am driving. Hide your kids, hide your wife, I'm smashing everybody in here.

A friend is giving me driving lessons to help me prep for the eventual move to Colorado, and I'm proud to say I didn't kill anyone yesterday. It was questionable whether we'd even get out of the parking lot, since a Prius isn't like other cars. You can't just turn the ignition, put it into reverse and go. You need to sacrifice a vegan to the gods of eco-friendliness under a full moon before it deems you worthy of backing up. Or, as the case was for us, put your foot on the brake before hitting the power button.

My friend and I called Devon to ask what was up with his crunchy granola vehicle, and he went through the tech-help checklist. The equivalent of "Is it plugged in?" is "Did you move the knob to 'R'?" Yes! Yes, we considered throwing this beotch into reverse. Thank you!

Finally, he did figure out what we were doing wrong, and we were on our way. It reminded me of that scene in the Star Trek reboot movie, where Sulu forgets to take off the parking brake. But Sulu turns out to be a righteous force of flying goodness, so I'm in good company.

We're trying to decide what kind of car I should get when we move, and I'm taking suggestions. I suggested a Smart Car or a motorcycle, but he was all, "Bitch, please."