Kidnapping gynecologists is not OK

I would like someone to explain the purpose of those front-open gowns they make you wear at the gynecologist's office. And by "you," I mean a general "you." If you don't have a vagina, you probably don't have a gynecologist. I say probably because I don't want to make assumptions about how you spend your time. If you do have a vagina, you might still not have a gynecologist, but really, the only excuse for having a vagina and not a gynecologist is being prepubescent, so you should go get a gynecologist if you're old enough to take care of such things. By "get" a gynecologist, I mean find one and make an appointment. Don't kidnap one and bring him home. That's a felony in all 50 states and I don't want you to get in trouble. Unless you happen to be married to a gynecologist. Then you can bring him home and it's not a felony.

The law is complicated sometimes, but I'm here to help.

But back to the gowns. My gynecologist has me put one on every time I see her, along with a paper "blanket" over my legs, but I fail to see the point. If you smoosh my boobies and go elbow deep into my hoo-ha, I'm not going to be modest about my knees and shoulders.

Again, I mean a general "you" and not you specifically. If you've ever smooshed my boobies and wound up elbow deep in my hoo-ha, I was too drunk to remember and I'd rather leave it that way.