Laugh or I'll cut you.

I was Googling myself yesterday in an effort to prove I exist, and I came across this.

I assure you, I am not Tim Tebow. No matter what you might have heard about my athletic prowess, I am not a 24-year-old male quarterback for the Jets. It’s distressing that I will never achieve this goal in life, but our days are finite and I throw like I’m trying out for the Mets. It’s true that we have never been photographed together, and that I don’t know who my biological father is, but it’s probably not Robert Ramsey Tebow. Probably.

I also found this Google listing in my egomaniacal self-exploration.

I’m not a famous quarterback, but I am the No. 1 Dirty Hooker on the Internet. At least for now. I keep going back and forth with those pikers below me from drinksmixer.com. Don’t be swayed by their recipes for delicious, boozy beverages. They are made of poison. And I heard them saying awful things about your mom. I’m sure your mom has never known a dolphin biblically, and I will say so to anyone who asks.

I’m also the No. 3 Dirty Hooker on the Internet, but that sounds slightly less impressive.

One more thing. I found this on Klout, which uses some kind of voodoo to figure out how influential you are on the Internet. I blocked out the pics of the people who might not want to be associated with me.

This is better than being a quarterback. Tim Tebow wants to be me. I know it.

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