Don't let The Man take your phasers

Part 1 in an indefinite series in which I revenge fuck my way across the Internet to prove to Google that I'm totally over it. Our love was a summer thing, and now it can taste my hair flip. Today's guideline abuse: Weapons. ************** At Dirty Hooker's Weapons of Mass Destruction (Or Mild Mayhem) we have everything a citizen of the 24th century could need to defend her home and family. Below is just a sampling of our vast selection of things that will kill you instantly or just hurt a lot. Remember, if the police ask, the response is, "I could have sworn he had a gun, officer."

Star Trek the Next Generation PhasersPHASER: The phaser is the ultimate in portable death. You can fry your enemies outright, or, if you need to interrogate them later, you can stun them as many times as necessary. They pack less power than other options, but when the revolution comes, it won't wait for you to go home and get your chroniton torpedoes. Also ideal for getting a little peace and quiet at home, but they tend to vaporize small objects, so keep away from children and pets unless you're COMPLETELY tired of their shit.

Phased Polaron CannonPHASED POLARON CANNON: This beauty was salvaged from a derelict Dominion vessel and is a one-of-a-kind find (unless you happen to be Vorta, in which case your quadrant is probably filthy with them). They haven't seen much use since the Federation figured out how to modify their shields to resist polaron weaponry, but they're still a nice addition to the war aficionado's private arsenal.

Star Trek the Next Generation photon torpedoesPHOTON TORPEDOES: These puppies are a mainstay of most Starfleet ships and can be modified to do whatever your plot calls for. They explode into lots of pretty colors, making them great for July 4th celebrations. Upgrade them with little effort to destroy a planet or make them worthless if you need more drama. Today only, get 10% off if you buy a case. For outdoor use only.

Thalaron GeneratorTHALARON RADIATION BOMBS: Thalaron radiation bombs are illegal in all Federation territories, so I would never admit to selling them here, but if you want one, knock three times on the counter and say "The eagle has landed." Big Bob might be able to give you some advice. These bombs will petrify living tissue almost instantly and were once used to assassinate the entire Romulan senate (who had it coming, if you ask me). It can destroy an entire planet, so don't store it on a planet you like.

BayonetBAYONET: The bayonet is a hand-to-hand classic. It has survived the centuries because there's something satisfying about stabbing people. It says, "You're not worth the energy it would take to fire my plasma rifle." Excellent for when filthy Cardassians manage to sneak up on you. The plasma rifle/bayonet combo is a multitasker. Why carry a knife AND a rifle when you can combine them? Also great for s'mores.

BatlethBAT'LETH: To be Klingon means to be a drama queen, and nowhere is that more evident than in their swords. Why have one pointy end when you can have two? A great piece for over your mantle or bed, for when you want everyone to notice the size of your longsword.

LirpaVULCAN LIRPA: The biggest noob mistake when dungeoneering is not bringing a piercing/slicing weapon AND a bludgeoning weapon. Nothing screams futility like trying to stab an enemy who has damage resistance to piercing. That's where the blunt side of this baby comes in. Smashing things can be just as much fun as stabbing them. Leave it to Vulcan efficiency.

Fereng iwhipFERENGI ENERGY WHIP: For when you need to teach a bad boy a lesson. Stock comes from a Ferengi tradesman, so sold as-is.

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