Laugh or I'll cut you.

Devon and I have a large apartment by NYC standards. We went to a party once where the tenants didn’t even have a bathroom. They had to use the bathroom in the hallway. I don’t know how that’s legal. It probably isn’t. But in New York, you can set up a cot in a pantry and charge people $800 a month for it.

We have two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a living room and a kitchen. We pay separate rent for our stuff in storage. How we don’t have enough room for ourselves and all our stuff is beyond me. One of my dreams has been to live in a place where everything has a spot. Like, the kitchen appliances would all go in the kitchen instead of the kitchen and the bedroom, and we would eat dinner at a kitchen table instead of at the coffee table in the living room.

I’m a woman of simple dreams.

I’ve resorted to porn to meet my needs — storage porn, that is. I spent three hours looking at all the thingies I could use to get my shit together, and I decided my life will be perfect if I have this.

This is a lettuce keeper. It holds lettuce. But not just that. It claims to keep lettuce fresh for up to two weeks. Even more importantly, if I buy this, there will be a spot in my fridge for just my lettuce. No more letting my lettuce wander all over the fridge willy-nilly like it owns the place, bumping up against my salad dressing like a giant leafy whore. No, my friends, those days are nearly over. My lettuce will soon know its damn role, which is to be fresh, crispy and delicious.

It has a “special design” that doubles as a colander. Do you understand what this means? Some people have lettuce keepers. Some people have colanders for their lettuce. THIS DOES BOTH AT ONCE. Let that settle for a bit and I’m sure you’ll be as excited as I am.

“Adjustable venting regulates air circulation and moisture” means that if, say, one of the cats gets trapped inside, she won’t die. This seems unlikely, but you don’t understand how stupid both of my cats are.

It also comes with a storage guide in case I wake up retarded one morning and forget how to store my lettuce.

I don’t just want this lettuce keeper. I NEED it. If I get this lettuce keeper, I will never lose anything ever again.

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