This is TMI. No one should read this.

Dear Unborn Daughter, You are the reason I had to drive to Home Depot to buy an auger, a high-end plunger and enzyme solution. You are also the reason I spent two hours on my hands and knees in front of the porcelain god trying to make things right. I hadn't done that since my last bender, several years ago. I didn't want to admit to a plumber what evil I had wrought.

Yet somehow I can tell everyone on the Internet.

You're not even born yet and already you're kind of a jerk. I promise I'll still feed you, but I consider naked baby photos my revenge. I hope you don't mind the scrapbook I'm going to show to all your boyfriends or girlfriends.

Love, Mom

P.S. If you're not my daughter and you got this far, it's because you hate yourself. Rethink your life.