You suck at everything

If you’re like most parents, you have a sneaking suspicion that you suck at everything. That’s because you do. Without the media, you wouldn’t even be aware of all the ways in which you are crushing your child’s dreams.

It’s not entirely your fault. Your parents sucked at everything, too -- and their parents before them. You come from a long line of incompetent breeders.

But there's hope. Your parents and grandparents didn’t have the Internet to set them straight. I’m here to tell you all the things you’re doing wrong so you can try to suck less.


Feeding your kids every day

Humans can survive for more than three weeks without food. Mahatma Gandhi, at 74 years old,  survived 21 days of total starvation.  

Is your kid better than Gandhi? I didn’t think so.

Gandhi: Better than your kid since 1869

Gandhi: Better than your kid since 1869

Feeding your kids every day is like burning money -- money you could be using to fund your whiskey habit, or, if you must, a college fund. The other benefit: If you stunt their growth, clothes and shoes last longer. And everyone loves a tiny kid. Just ask Gary Coleman.

When it comes to finances, play the long game.   


Letting your kids out of your sight, ever

Science has proven that there’s a pedophile behind every tree. Look outside your window now. You see that tree? There’s a kiddie diddler standing behind it right now just waiting for you to blink.

Pedo Bear wants to meet your middle-schooler. 

Pedo Bear wants to meet your middle-schooler. 

I know what you’re thinking: You already drive your daughter the half block to school, attend all playdates and birthday parties, and witnessed your 16-year-old son lose his virginity. (You let them cover themselves with a blanket. You’re not a pervert.) What more can you do?

I bet you’re getting some sleep at night, aren’t you? Are you some kind of stupid?  In 2002, a 14-year-old girl named Elizabeth Smart was abducted from her very own bedroom in the wee hours of the morning.

This happened in Utah, not in some God-forsaken place like New York City, where people live when they WANT their children to be kidnapped by hobos.  

This nightmare could have been prevented had her parents sacrificed the luxury of sleep.

If you have kids in multiple rooms, forget about taking shifts. One of you must be with them at all times. If you’re a single parent or have kids spread across more than two rooms, hire help, but not until your night nanny has submitted to a full background check and urine analysis.

Don’t make children if you don’t want to take care of them, people.   


Sending your kids to school

We all know that kids are terrible creatures, and when you put them together in large groups, exponentially terrible things happen, like bullying and dodgeball and Katy Perry. Enrolling your kids in school will kickstart their inevitable decline toward meth addiction, because literally every school in America has failed our children. Even $10,000-a-year pre-schools are just holding pens where our spawn grow ever fatter and more unthinking, like sheep being led to the slaughter.

Yummy, yummy slaughter.

Mmmm. Lamb.

Your baby. 

Your baby. 


All of this might make a person think, “I know! Homeschooling is the answer!” But it isn’t. Folks, homeschooling is never the answer -- unless your answer involves turning your kids into emotionally, socially and academically crippled right-wing fundie nutjobs. How can your son learn his place in the pecking order if he doesn’t get beaten into a stringy pulp by his betters? How can your daughter learn to cope with embarrassment if that menstrual mishap in her white jeans doesn’t make it all over Instagram?

So if we can’t send them to school and we can’t educate them at home, what’s a correct-thinking parent to do?

Simple: Educate your kids in the school of hard knocks, like our grandparents.

Is your kid better than your grandfather, who killed Nazis with his bare hands before settling down to a life of farming and taming wild beasts with his manly glare? I didn’t think so.

The only thing you have to fear is this guy. 

The only thing you have to fear is this guy. 

Don’t be a pussy. Patriotism and hard work are all you need.