Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Letter to my mother

By on August 9, 2012

Dear Mom,

You’ve been gone three years today, and this is my yearly letter. I miss you, but things are good here. We’re weeks away from selling your house, the one I grew up in. It’s hard to believe that empty space once held Christmas mornings and parties and dinners at a full kitchen table. I haven’t had a kitchen table in a while. No space in tiny New York apartments. I thought I would be sadder about seeing the house go, but it’s been a long three years, and without you and Dad in it, it’s just a building. Maybe someone else will have Christmas mornings in it, and that would be OK.

Devon and I are moving to Colorado. There are a lot of big changes coming. We’ve been talking about it forever, but the move happens this month. We’re going to buy a house with the money you and Dad left me. We might even build one. You would have loved the kitchens in the houses we’ve been looking at. I’d rather have you here, though. There are so many good things happening that I wish you could see.

If I live an average lifespan, I will spend more of my life without you than I have with you. I wonder if there will ever be a time when I don’t miss you.

I have so much more to tell you, but it’ll have to wait for another day. Give Dad a kiss for me. Try to go easy on him. He adores you.

Love,
Monica

Other posts you might like:

Wine and dead people
I would have brought a keg, but that might have seemed rude
It’s probably a good thing Devon didn’t kill me

If you like this post, consider commenting and sharing. Sharing is caring!

This entry is filed under Life, Uncategorized and tagged , , . | 3 Comments

It’s over between us, Google

By on August 8, 2012

Google disabled my AdSense ads because of this post telling people to stay away from kiddie porn. At least, I think it was because of this post. Apparently, I violated their policy prohibiting sexually explicit content. Their example of my trespass is a link to my homepage, so the whole damn blog could be problematic, but the only remotely sexual thing I’ve written in a month is the kiddie porn post.

Check out Google’s list of prohibited content:

“Sites which offer compensation programs (“pay-to” sites)
Adult content
Content which advocates against an individual, group, or organization
Content that promotes illegal activity or infringes on the rights of others
Gambling content
Drug, alcohol, and tobacco-related content
Violent content
Weapon-related content
Hacking and cracking content”

I’m going to ignore the which/that abuse. It’s beside the point.

They consider adult content to be:

“Lewd or provocative images
Crude or indecent language, including adult stories
Sexual tips or advice
Sexual fetish sites (e.g. foot fetish content)
Adult toys or products
Ads or links to external sites containing adult content”

So Google and I are breaking up. Looking over the above list, our romance was doomed from the start.

Broken heart

If anyone knows of an ad network that can deal with “kiddie” and “porn” in the same sentence, let me know. Google can keep the $1.93 I made. They earned it.

I’ve decided to have some fun with my newfound freedom by letting down my hair. My challenge over the next few weeks: to break each and every one of Google’s guidelines. If Google were a man instead of a faceless corporate entity, I would be revenge fucking my away across the Internet. Stay tuned!

Other posts you might like:

Take the placenta out of your mouth and walk away
Your kids are morons, say regulatory agencies
Tacky Plastic Jesus, I wish I could quit you

If you like this post, consider commenting and sharing. Sharing is caring!

This entry is filed under Life, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , .

I’m not Tim Tebow, and other ways I’m up my own butt

By on August 7, 2012

I was Googling myself yesterday in an effort to prove I exist, and I came across this.

Tim Tebow

I assure you, I am not Tim Tebow. No matter what you might have heard about my athletic prowess, I am not a 24-year-old male quarterback for the Jets. It’s distressing that I will never achieve this goal in life, but our days are finite and I throw like I’m trying out for the Mets. It’s true that we have never been photographed together, and that I don’t know who my biological father is, but it’s probably not Robert Ramsey Tebow. Probably.

I also found this Google listing in my egomaniacal self-exploration.

Dirty Hooker

I’m not a famous quarterback, but I am the No. 1 Dirty Hooker on the Internet. At least for now. I keep going back and forth with those pikers below me from drinksmixer.com. Don’t be swayed by their recipes for delicious, boozy beverages. They are made of poison. And I heard them saying awful things about your mom. I’m sure your mom has never known a dolphin biblically, and I will say so to anyone who asks.

I’m also the No. 3 Dirty Hooker on the Internet, but that sounds slightly less impressive.

One more thing. I found this on Klout, which uses some kind of voodoo to figure out how influential you are on the Internet. I blocked out the pics of the people who might not want to be associated with me.

Klout Ranking

This is better than being a quarterback. Tim Tebow wants to be me. I know it.

Other posts you might like:

SILF: Superheroes I’d like to…well, you know
The No. 1 cause of divorce is math. I just made that up. Maybe because my math is bad.
Doesn’t everyone have a shield made out of babies?

If you like this post, consider commenting and sharing. Sharing is caring!

This entry is filed under Life, Uncategorized and tagged , . | 2 Comments

Older Entries »