By Monica June 9th, 2010, under Uncategorized
I was reading an article by a woman telling people to live every day as if it were their last, and it occurred to me how awful life would be if people actually did that. You’d show up at your friend’s house every morning, tears in your eyes, telling her how much you love her, and how you’re sorry you vomited on her bed after that frat party in college, and she’d be all, “Yes, yes, I know, you make me late for work every day with this. It’s OK. Don’t you have a job?”
And you’d have to tell her that you haven’t worked that dead-end job in months, because really, who wants to spend their last day on Earth moving stacks of paper from one part of their desk to another while listening to co-workers fart? No one, that’s who. So you quit your job and are homeless now because your landlord is NOT living every day as if it were his last, and God, how you need a shower. Also, you’re enormous, because when you had money, you were eating cheesecake sandwiches, which you’ll never eat again when you’re dead. Now you have to fight bums for their lunch, but at least that’s keeping you active.
So take my advice: Do not live every day as if it were your last. Your friends don’t want to hear your decades-old angsty bullshit, your ass can’t afford the calories, and bums need to eat, too.
Tags: Death, Random Impulses
5 Comments
By Monica June 3rd, 2010, under Uncategorized
So dad had another setback. He’s in the hospital now because of blood in his urine and painful urination, likely related to the cancer, and he may need the catheter permanently. This and other bummers prompted this IM conversation between me and Devon.
me: Will you do me a favor?
Devon: what?
me: When I get home tonight, smother me with a pillow until I stop twitching.
Devon: sorry, nope
me: Oh, come on, it’s just this one little thing.
Devon: how about smother in kisses?
me: Are your lips coated in deadly toxin?
Devon: nope
me: Then that won’t work. Unless you plan to throw yourself over my face for a few very long minutes.
me: What’s a girl gotta do to get her husband to kill her around here?
Devon: see, american husbands just don’t stack up to wahabbists in saudi
Tags: Domestic crap, Family, Kill me
6 Comments
By Monica May 23rd, 2010, under Uncategorized
I’ll have chicken and only chicken. And by that, I mean chicken with everything.
Tags: Food, Random Impulses
3 Comments
By Monica May 20th, 2010, under Uncategorized
It’s Everybody-Draw-Mohammed-Day! In the spirit of the occasion, see my Extremely Shitty Drawing, below.
Thank you to all the journalists and entertainers, pro and amateur, who take real risks to challenge the special whatthefuckery behind the ban on drawing Mohammed. Killing and threatening people for drawing your prophet is not cool, and it makes you an asshole.
Also, please don’t kill me. I would not appreciate it.
Tags: Current Events, Death, I am going to hell, Politics
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By Monica May 19th, 2010, under Uncategorized
I’ll be walking in Memory Walk 2010, a fundraiser for Alzheimer’s care and research, in October. This is where I e-mug you and take your money. Normally. Today, I’m going to just direct you to where you can donate if you have extra cash and are feeling generous in a tax-deductible kind of way.
Tags: Money, Random Impulses
2 Comments
By Monica May 18th, 2010, under Uncategorized
Either I need to start working out again, Devon is the Nerd Commander or both.
Over the weekend, I made vanilla ice cream — the best vanilla ice cream you’ve never had, by the way. It was creamy, thanks to one part whole milk to two parts heavy cream and five eggs, blended into a sweet vanilla custard that was left overnight to chill before I mixed it into ice cream. And it tastes like real vanilla, not crappy vanilla flavoring. But I digress.
I had just gotten out of the shower when the ice cream finished mixing, so I dropped my towel to scrape it out. Of course, I needed a taste-tester. For some people, this is the start of a lame porn flick, but my version was produced by NERDoVision, where the dude is playing World of Warcraft with his peeps. So I ended up naked and feeding Devon ice cream while he complained through his headset about his lousy DPS. You win this round, Elite Boss Nerdloc.
Tags: Family, Geekery, Sex
7 Comments
By Monica May 10th, 2010, under Uncategorized
Before dad went into the hospital, I did his grocery shopping online. I have to say, Waldbaum’s online grocery service is quite bitchin’. Good selection, reasonable prices, all delivered to my Dad’s door so I don’t have to go to the store. Rock on, Waldbaum’s.
So I was a little stunned when I got this email from Waldbaum’s today:
“We miss you! Where have you been? Was it something we did?
We are always listening to our customers and would like to ask you a few questions about why you have stopped using our online service.
Please take a minute to complete a brief on-line survey and tell us how we can make this service meet your expectations.
We hope to see you soon.
Waldbaums of Valley Stream Customer Care Team”
My actual response:
“Give it some time, dudes. I was buying for my father, who has dementia and doesn’t do his own shopping. He’s in the hospital now after major surgery and eating crap like individual-serving applesauce.
Way to run your business like an Italian grandmother, with all the guilt, by the way. I promise, I’ll start buying from you again when Dad gets home from the hospital. And I’ll call home more often and visit on Sunday, too. Just don’t give me with switch!
Thanks.”
Tags: Domestic crap, Family, I am going to hell, Money
3 Comments
By Monica May 6th, 2010, under Uncategorized
Not married for three weeks yet, and already I’m getting copies of Parenting magazine delivered to my apartment. Pushy fuckers.
I must have bought something for a pregnant friend and ended up on a mailing list, since I’m 32 years old, and all my friends are pregnant, recently pregnant or about to be pregnant.
Look, Parenting magazine, in high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Forget My Baby in a Hot Car During Summer.” I don’t need you getting all up in my uterus/grill.
Tags: I am going to hell, Kill me, Random Impulses, Sex
3 Comments
By Monica April 25th, 2010, under Uncategorized
Three minutes after getting home from the airport, I realized I couldn’t find my keys. We were in the apartment already, since Devon had opened the door, but I launched the epic hunt for my apartment keys, which I couldn’t remember taking out of my bag. I spend more time looking for shit than just about anything else. It’s an Olympic event for me.
During the hunt, I cleaned my desk, which was covered in crumbs, and found our long-lost paring knife. I found it in a baking cookbook. At some point, I must have used it as a bookmark. Because I do things like that. This knife had been missing for three months.
I turned the apartment upside down, but I still haven’t found my keys.
When I start doing this shit at 60, people are going to think it’s Alzheimer’s. If I’m still friends with you guys in 30 years, promise me you’ll remember I’m just retarded, not demented.
Tags: Kill me
2 Comments
By Monica April 23rd, 2010, under Uncategorized
Those sexy mo fos above are me and Devon, freshly married off the beach and eating a spectacular dinner at Spago at the Four Seasons Hotel. It is one of those places that serves meals in very small servings with very fancy presentations, but we got to try lots of different things, including the best cream of mushroom soup I’ve ever had. Also, chocolate ooze and ice cream, below. The sauce (aka, ooze) took 10 years to perfect and about five minutes to eat. I made that chocolate my bitch.
Other highlights: SCUBA diving for the first time. It turns out a weight belt and an oxygen tank are FREAKIN’ HEAVY. Add that to sand and a strong wave, and the sky got a great shot of my ass as I flipped over on the beach. No harm done, though. A lot of SCUBA diving was overcoming the very primal fear of drowning, especially when the dive master asked me to remove my mouthpiece underwater and insert his extra mouthpiece, and I was all, “Dick, I need that to breathe. Hell, no.” But they won’t actually let you go any further unless you can overcome the natural terror involved in parting with your only source of oxygen. I got over it and was rewarded with views of pretty coral, fish and sea turtles.
Other activities included ziplining, which involves firing yourself 650 feet in the air at 50 mph in a harness attached to a cable; climbing; hiking; snorkeling; sleeping; and drinking margaritas. Drinking margaritas was very important to us.
We also visited Hana, a remote section of Maui where the roads are only sorta paved and they have trees that look like this.
We found some guy and his wife living inside, and they told us to have fun storming the castle, but we had things to do, people to see, so we declined.
Tags: Family, Geekery, Travel
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