Posts Tagged ‘Money’

Road to hell paved with good intentions

Monday, November 9th, 2009

Since my dad is never going to drive again as long as we can keep car and keys from meeting, I decided to try and sell the thing. Lo and behold, it is actually a piece of shit. It is 16-years-old, so that shouldn’t come as a surprise, but it was fine last year, and I was led to believe that it was in pretty good shape.

Since my friend is not going to buy this piece of shit after all, we decided to bring it back to Dad’s and let it rot in the driveway, since one of Dad’s meltdown triggers is this car. Unfortunately, the car decided to make its last stand next to a curb in Jersey.

It is dead. Not mostly dead, but completely and utterly dead, dead, dead.

I was going to have it junked, but now dad is melting down daily because the car isn’t there. So I’m going to have to pay several hundred dollars to have a dead car towed back to Queens so my dad can see it from the window and calm his shit down.

This is what I get for taking initiative. Initiative: bad.

When my responsibility to my dad is over, I am going to crawl into a hole with a stack of books and some yarn and crochet hooks and never come out, because I never want to be responsible for another person’s well being ever again.

I am a capitalist dog

Friday, October 30th, 2009

You may have noticed the Reading List on the side of the page and the Amazon ads at the bottom or top of some pages. If you click on one of those ads or on the Reading List and buy something from Amazon, I get a small percentage of the sale price. I get the referral fee even if you click to Amazon from DirtyHooker and buy something else.

The Reading List contains books I am currently reading or have just finished and think you might like. No pressure or anything.

I decided to become an Amazon Associate when I realized that one big difference between me and actual hookers is that they make money. I didn’t want to have to rename the site AGAIN to Dirty Slut.

I’m going to be rich!

Monday, October 19th, 2009

And by rich, I mean breathtakingly poor.

Today, I discovered that the ads on my site have earned me 0.06 cents.

Whoever you pity clickers are, thank you. All I ask is that when I’m a hobo, please don’t let Devon kill me.

I am a sensitive asshole

Friday, October 9th, 2009

I was really stoked about the 48 roles of toilet paper in my closet that I bought off of Amazon. Their Subscribe and Save system lets me have ridiculous amounts of toilet paper delivered to my apartment every six months, no shipping costs. I even used a gift certificate, so I spent $17 on 48 rolls of toilet paper.

When I was a kid, I used to fantasize about becoming an astronaut, but this was way cooler than the promise of space flight.

Until Devon seriously harshed on my wow. Seems it wasn’t enough to get the 2-ply: He forgot to mention that he wanted quilted toilet paper, because he’s a sensitive asshole, too. So our conversation went something like this:

Devon: Next time, can you get the quilted kind? It’s way cooler than this lame-ass excuse for toilet paper you painstakingly researched and blew a gift certificate on.
Me: But it’s recyclable. It’s good for the environment.
Devon: I want the cushy kind or I will make heads roll.
Me: Think of your children! And your children’s children!
Devon: Cushy! Cushy!
Me: Why do you hate children?

OK, so maybe that’s an exaggeration. But he does want the quilted stuff, so now I have 48 rolls of toilet paper only I can use. Maybe I’ll TP a neighbor’s house this Halloween.

Do you have a friend in Jesus?

Thursday, September 3rd, 2009

With the help of some wine and a bit of a mean streak, Devon and I have decided to quit our jobs to sell Rapture insurance.

Yes, if you are certain you are going to be taken by our good Lord Jesus Christ at the end times, you can shield the selfish, lazy heathens in your family from poverty and starvation with our help. Your life insurance won’t do Jack, since you won’t be dead. You’ll need another way to keep your teenage daughter from whoring herself in front of Home Depot and your husband from performing late-term abortions for spare change.

Don’t let your family suffer in sin when you are given your eternal reward.

Enroll in Rapture insurance NOW!

Gonna quit my day job…probably not

Saturday, July 25th, 2009

I made the Most Awesome Mac and Cheese in the World, and Dad. Devon and I were sitting around the table talking about nonsense when I was struck with brilliance: When I grow out of the noob zone in my crocheting, I’m going to open an Etsy store called the Dirty Hooker. It’ll sell crocheted goods and other crafts, and it’ll be totally awesome because hooker refers to both prostitution and crochet hooks, which are used to shape yarn into patterns, get it?

If any of you wankers steals my idea, I will cut you. No lie.

Citibank to eat my cash

Wednesday, November 26th, 2008

So far, I’ve received two e-mails from Citibank assuring me that my accounts are FDIC insured.

How comforting.

Clearly, I need to find a new bank, but with the rate they’re failing, I’m not even sure where to go. During the Depression, my grandparents kept their savings in the Bank of Old Mattresses, and that seems like a better idea every day. Especially if pirates snatch my savings. A Somali pirate tried to steal my lunch money just this afternoon, and I had to beat him off with a sharpened pencil.

No, wait, I mean beat him up. Beating him off is definitely something different.