It’s Everybody-Draw-Mohammed-Day! In the spirit of the occasion, see my Extremely Shitty Drawing, below.
Thank you to all the journalists and entertainers, pro and amateur, who take real risks to challenge the special whatthefuckery behind the ban on drawing Mohammed. Killing and threatening people for drawing your prophet is not cool, and it makes you an asshole.
Also, please don’t kill me. I would not appreciate it.
Guess which one of the following items DID NOT make it through airport security.
If you guessed the box cutter, you should not be working for the TS-Fucking-A.
When we moved into our new apartment, Devon picked up a bunch of box cutters, and I slipped one of them into my purse in case I needed to cut someone someday. I forgot about it completely. This razor blade made it all the way through airport security, while my Japanese Cherry Blossom body lotion did not.
Something ain’t right here.
To be fair, I never get shit stolen confiscated leaving New York — only when trying to navigate Denver International Asshats — so there’s a good chance I would have gotten an anal probe from the TSA Saturday upon my return home.
But do you know what happened as a result of me bringing this deadly weapon onto the airplane? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Because I’m an ordinary person trying to get from point A to point B, just like I was the day the TSA protected the world from my overpriced girly products. Just like the vast majority of travelers.
Thank God they remembered to make me take my shoes off. Who knows what could have happened.
Many have tried. Many have failed. But here I go: I am going to try to read one book a week. It shouldn’t be hard, in theory: Until I graduated from high school, I sometimes read three books a day. Social awkwardness is made, not born, kids. But somewhere in adulthood, I got distracted by other things, and now reading is a struggle.
That’s not quite right. I’m literate, I promise: Making time to read is a struggle. I keep getting distracted by shiny hobbies, like cooking and crafting and cleaning up dog shit. And I read things all day long for a living, so reading outside of work is like a janitor mopping floors for kicks. But much of what I edit is deeply terrible, and I need to rediscover the love.
So I’m going to set some ground rules for myself:
1. No books that suck. If, 50 pages into it, I want to spork my eyes out, the book is gone. This ain’t high school, where I HAVE to wade through “Moby Dick.” There is absolutely no reason I have to subject myself to Ann Coulter. I’m a grown-up: I bought the book, I can burn it if I want to.
2. No book is off limits. It doesn’t have to be great literature, it just has to have words. I’ll even allow for audiobooks. I don’t “read” many of them, because my sleep circuit fires when people read me stories, but they will do just fine.
I should be able to do this. I’ll review the books I read and let you know how it goes. What books do you recommend? Any I should stay the hell away from?
I had to watch the presidential address, because, as a liberal, feminist, socialist, communist, fascist, Nazi, politically confused elitist, when my Messiah speaks, I listen. Also, because if I didn’t, my entire office would be talking about it today, and I would be outed as the clueless plebe who blew the night watching the “Cake Boss” marathon.
I was rewarded with Joe Wilson of South Carolina calling Barack Obama a liar from the safety of his padded seat. It’s like he forgot for a moment that he wasn’t on an episode of Dr. Phil. That happens to me sometimes.
Back in the day, Obama could have gone all Aaron Burr on his ass, or even Dick Cheney. That would have been sweet. But then we’d have all those people “thinking of the children” and everything, and we probably wouldn’t even get to see it on TV. Americans are a bunch of weenies these days.
BTW: No one in my office even mentioned the speech. They were all probably watching the “Cake Boss” marathon.
When I Googled “pirates,” I expected to get lots of baseball crap. But the Pittsburgh Pirates ended up being only the fourth hit down, preceded by Wikipedia entries on piracy and the video game “Pirates!” In first place was something relevant to my search — a National Post article on pirates in Somalia.
