Posts Tagged ‘Random Impulses’

Pretentious twats take over the Guggenheim

Sunday, September 5th, 2010

Devon and I decided to rip ourselves away from our computers long enough to take in some modern art at the Guggenheim.

OMFG.

Now, before you art geeks (I’m looking at you, Donna) hurt me, let me say, I liked a lot of it. Until we got about two-thirds through the museum, and Devon and I both hit, as he put it, our OFFS point.

Meaning, “Oh, For Fuck’s Sake.”

Manet’s “Before the Mirror” is an awesome painting and I briefly considered stealing it before I decided I was too pretty to go to prison. And I really liked a memorial to childhood from an artist whose name escapes me now. But Devon and I reached our limit at the same time when we hit a collection of photographs of “life,” including an emo chick cutting her hand and bleeding over a piece of paper.

Devon: “I’ve known too many artist twats who cut themselves.”

The Guggenheim is designed so visitors move through it in an ascending circle, and we noted that the art got more pretentious as we ascended.  I get it, guys: Life is full of pain and joy, joy and pain. The only people blown away by this are 11-year-olds discovering their pubic hair for the first time.

P.S.: If you hear of a famous Manet painting disappearing from the Guggenheim, it totally wasn’t me.

Fuck me, Ray Bradbury

Friday, August 20th, 2010

Something wicked this way will come.

No silver linings, please

Thursday, July 22nd, 2010

If you’re one of my Facebook friends, you may have seen the Salon column I linked to titled “I trusted my gut and got screwed” by Cary Tennis. If you’re not one of my Facebook friends, you can clicky the linky. And you should send me a friend request, because I rock and would make an awesome addition to your stable of “friends.”

In short, the column is about being honest with ourselves about what we really want in order to avoid making gut decisions that make us want to disembowel ourselves so our guts can never ruin our lives again with their dirty, sweaty lies.

Red Flashlight pointed out that the column was good for not saying crap like, “If you just change your attitude, everything will be moonbeams and kittens, and moonbeams shining out of the asses of kittens, and kittens shining out of the asses of moonbeams.” I paraphrased her there.

I got to thinking about how much that advice to look on the bright side pisses me off. It generally means, “If you just delude yourself into being happy, you will be.” Of course you will be. But you’ll also be deluding yourself. There’s a word for people who do that shit, and it’s “Scientologist.”

I’m not always successful at the brutal self-honesty thing. There’s no evidence that Mom can hear me when I talk to her from the toilet or that asstastic people will meet with bad karma, except in the sense that they generally attract each other in a vortex of suck. But if I’m unhappy, there’s probably a good reason, so I’d rather be genuinely bitter and pissed off when the occasion calls for it than floating on a cloud of false optimism.

Sometimes, you gotta tell a kitten to piss off and take her moonbeam with her.

You need to see this 8-mile-wide vagina

Friday, July 9th, 2010

Find it here.

It’s my new favorite song, thanks to The Bloggess posting the link to it on her site. It’s embarrassing how much I heart her. I would tell her, but she might get wise to the surveillance equipment I have in her bathroom.

P.S.: Bloggess, if you’re reading this, your tile is getting a little grimy. Seriously, step out of Storm Large’s vagina long enough to do some housework every once in a while.

P.S.S.: Ignore that part about the surveillance equipment in your bathroom. You’re on a need-to-know basis.

You graduated. Now what?

Tuesday, June 29th, 2010

Dear Graduates,

You have reached the end of a journey, about to embark on a brand new one. Maybe you are graduating from college and are about to claw your way to the top of your daddy’s company. Maybe you were a philosophy major and are planning the only career for which you qualify: graduate school. Maybe you are wrapping up high school and are just glad to be done with that wretched hive of scum and villainy. In any case, pull up a chair and let Old Grandma Dirty Hooker give you some advice.

1. No matter what your mother told you, you can’t be anything you want to be when you grow up. Just like you have natural talents, there are things you naturally suck at, and it’s important to know the difference. If I’d decided to be an engineer when I was in college, there would be a lot more shit breaking and blowing up today, which is why I fix sentences for a living.

2. Be practical. It’s great to love what you do, but it’s even better when what you do comes with a paycheck. Being broke is fine when you’re 19 and rotating cots with 27 of your closest friends, but it gets old fast, much like you. If you’re going to take a risk on a high-poverty career (for example, theater, art, writing), be realistic about your own talent. Again, don’t ask your mom for her opinion on this (unless your mom is a bitch and willing to tell it like it is).

3. Don’t fall into whatever happens. It’s easy to explain why you had three jobs in two years when you’re 23. People expect you to be a flake, so try new things now. If you’re switching jobs twice a year at 40, people will assume you have a drug problem.

I’m sure there’s lots more to say, but this is a blog, not a dissertation, so I guess you’ll have to sort out the rest yourselves. Good luck with all that.

Don’t take trite advice

Wednesday, June 9th, 2010

I was reading an article by a woman telling people to live every day as if it were their last, and it occurred to me how awful life would be if people actually did that. You’d show up at your friend’s house every morning, tears in your eyes, telling her how much you love her, and how you’re sorry you vomited on her bed after that frat party in college, and she’d be all, “Yes, yes, I know, you make me late for work every day with this. It’s OK. Don’t you have a job?”

And you’d have to tell her that you haven’t worked that dead-end job in months, because really, who wants to spend their last day on Earth moving stacks of paper from one part of their desk to another while listening to co-workers fart? No one, that’s who. So you quit your job and are homeless now because your landlord is NOT living every day as if it were his last, and God, how you need a shower. Also, you’re enormous, because when you had money, you were eating cheesecake sandwiches, which you’ll never eat again when you’re dead. Now you have to fight bums for their lunch, but at least that’s keeping you active.

So take my advice: Do not live every day as if it were your last. Your friends don’t want to hear your decades-old angsty bullshit, your ass can’t afford the calories, and bums need to eat, too.

Something ain’t right here

Sunday, May 23rd, 2010

Chicken

I’ll have chicken and only chicken. And by that, I mean chicken with everything.

Memory Walk 2010

Wednesday, May 19th, 2010

I’ll be walking in Memory Walk 2010, a fundraiser for Alzheimer’s care and research, in October. This is where I e-mug you and take your money. Normally. Today, I’m going to just direct you to where you can donate if you have extra cash and are feeling generous in a tax-deductible kind of way.

Settle down, Parenting

Thursday, May 6th, 2010

Not married for three weeks yet, and already I’m getting copies of Parenting magazine delivered to my apartment. Pushy fuckers.

I must have bought something for a pregnant friend and ended up on a mailing list, since I’m 32 years old, and all my friends are pregnant, recently pregnant or about to be pregnant.

Look, Parenting magazine, in high school, I was voted “Most Likely to Forget My Baby in a Hot Car During Summer.” I don’t need you getting all up in my uterus/grill.

Spankings for everybody!

Tuesday, November 17th, 2009

Me: I’m going to spank you.

Devon: Why?

Me: You’re such a dude. We have an empty laundry basket in the closet and an empty laundry bag 3 feet away from it. Where are all your dirty clothes? On the floor between them.

Devon: Well, I got the right room.

Me: That’s like me shitting in the shower and saying it’s OK because I got the right room.

Devon: Who shits in the shower? Your metaphor is weird.

Me: It’s a simile.

Devon: You’re right. But a metaphor is like a simile.