Posts tagged Travel

Summary of the week I disappeared

By on October 9, 2012

I’m not dead. The fact that this post is here is strong evidence that I am alive. I suppose someone could have killed me and begun impersonating me on the Internet, but seriously, how crazy and paranoid are you? Jesus, get a grip.

I was in Boston and then New York for a week with Devon on his business trip. While Devon was in training, I tooled around Boston doing my best to cripple myself, which I accomplished pretty successfully by repeatedly ramming my foot into uneven pavement. I managed to not break anything, because I maxed my CON score when I created my character, and holy shit, I think I lost even some of my hardcore nerds with that one, but if you were looking for the opportunity to chase me down and steal my shit, you missed it. Your window is closed.

Unless you work for the TSA, which managed to steal our shit on both legs of this flight. Denver International Airport stole Devon’s Leatherman, which he’d forgotten in his bag, and LaGuardia stole a jar of my friend’s homemade peach jam, which should be in my belly but instead is sitting somewhere in a TSA facility, or in some TSA asshole’s belly, which makes me even more pissed. Devon might get the Leatherman back. We’ll see. But the jam, sadly, is gone.

I’m glad we spend $8.1 billion a year on the TSA. While they’ve never caught a single terrorist, at least the country is safe from my friend’s peach jam.

While I was in New York, my family and friends gave me a baby shower, which was awesome and I can’t say enough nice things about the people who showed up (and the people who wanted to be there but couldn’t for various reasons). I mean that sincerely. I’m not always a dick.

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Behold my suddenly fabulous knockers

By on September 17, 2012

knockers

No pics. Sorry, guys. Like I don’t get enough porn spam.

I’m only 20 weeks in and I’ll regret saying this eventually, but I can’t bitch too much about pregnancy. The morning sickness was mild while it lasted and is gone now. I’ve gained 8 pounds, all in my gut, but, with the days I’ve spent with a fork surgically implanted in my mouth, I’m suprised it’s not more. The worst I can say is that I’m challenging the structural integrity of my lingerie, which doesn’t seem to bother any of the members of my household named Devon.

Summary of my first two weeks in Colorado:

The cats are alive. The jury is still out on the plants, which didn’t handle the trip well. I rammed into one pole, with minor vehicular damage, but that pole was an asshole, and I’ll do it again if it doesn’t shut its stupid whore mouth. I’d feel worse if Devon hadn’t backed into the pole directly behind it a few days before. Some sadist thought it was a good idea to fill our parking garage with poles and bike racks. It’s like slalom skiing, but with hybrids and Subarus.

The homeless in New York trap you on the train and try to convince you that Jesus would want you to give them a dollar. The homeless here flash artsy signs at intersections and get all up in your grill when you’re walking. There are about two blocks of Colfax that are really sketchy. Like, I’m all, “Fine, fine, fine, this is fine, WHERE’S MY FUCKING PEPPER SPRAY, fine, fine, this is fine.”

Being here doesn’t feel entirely real. I don’t quite have a life here yet. I have a facsimilie of a life. And that’s OK. It’ll take months, maybe years, to feel like I’m home. But in the meantime, it’s kind of like watching a TV show about this pregnant chick who moves from New York to Colorado with her husband and two cats. I need a soundtrack. Something by John Williams.

Other posts you might like:

These panties have 100% less crotch than I was expecting
Hot chicks with problems. This is my sad face. :(
The blog post that never happened

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I’m not dead yet

By on September 3, 2012

Just moving. Here’s the breakdown of last week:

– Took two cats to Colorado.
– Went back to New York to close on my Dad’ house, which was bittersweet. I’m glad to have it done, but I grew up there, and I’m kind of hoping against all reason that the new owner doesn’t change the Raggedy Ann and Andy switch plate my mother never replaced, even long after I moved out. Also had to deal with some last-minute plumbing issues before we could close.
– Flew back to Colorado.

Now Devon and I are unpacking, which is way better than packing but still a time suck. While I was in New York, Devon called to tell me that he was pretty sure, with the way some of the boxes got mangled, that some of my mother’s china bit the big one. But after opening the boxes, we were pleasantly surprised to find that we hadn’t lost a single dish or glass. Devon is baffled. I credit Mom intervention.

In other news, today would have been Dad’s 91st birthday. Happy birthday, old man.

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